I write like…

(Shamelessly nicked from Shea Meiers, who writes lovely stuff.)

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Which is just strange. I fed it Nick and Brick, and this is what it comes up with? I’d absolutely love to see the comparison text, just to see how it is that my weird little faerys-and-technology story is at all like King. Other than a few mentions of blood (in a non-horror/injury context) and a couple of mentions of people being executed (in passing, you’ve read the entirety of the gory details), there’s nothing horrible or horrific in it. Granted, it needs to be polished up, but as far as I know it doesn’t have any sentence fragments masquerading as actual sentences…

So then I gave it my hockey players, which got me this:

I write like
Raymond Chandler

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Which is even more Whaaaaaaa?-inducing than Stephen King. I’ve read more Chandler than I have King, but… *Blink* Huh. In the course of looking up Phillip Marlowe‘s name, I discovered this: Underneath the wisecracking, hard drinking, tough private eye, Marlowe is quietly contemplative and philosophical and enjoys chess and poetry. While he is not afraid to risk physical harm, he does not dish out violence merely to settle scores. Which makes the comparison make a LOT more sense, to me.

So after that, I had to know what IWL would make of Benny and Phil. This is what it had to say:

I write like
Mark Twain

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Which makes perfect sense to me — I used the 1st-person POV of someone for whom grammar is one of those things they only deal with when they have to, as Twain did in Tom Sawyer. I don’t remember if Tom ever kissed Becky, but there was definitely some awkward moments of ‘um i think you’re cute’, which fits, too.

And then, just to see what would happen, I gave it Max and Trev to chew on.

I write like
Dan Brown

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Dan Brown. Dan Brown? How on God’s green-and-oily Earth do they get DAN BROWN out of 126 pages of angsty wittering, a boy in knickers and eyeliner, agrammatical Welsh, and BDSM? Unless it’s not the Dan Brown of the DaVinci Code (or he’s written some stories I’ve missed out on), which is I suppose entirely possible… Hm. Oh well; on the bright side of this result is the fact that someone somewhere said yes to Brown’s work, so there’s that.

I’m not being “difficult”, I truly want to know.

Why is it that all of my stories, whether they contain explicit sex or not, automatically receive the highest (or second-highest) ‘heat’ ratings from certain publishers? How is GLBTAQ? content automatically on equal footing with BDSM/three-/more-some stories?

For example, my bizarre little thing that’s been eating my brain, lately, has a total of four described kisses, all of which are basically pecks on the mouth. That’s it. There’s some passing mention of other kisses, but you’ve essentially read how they’re described, in all of their glorious lack of detail.

Yet, because the kisser and the kissee are both male, according to at least TWO publishers’ guidelines, that story? Has to be rated at least the same as Awydd — which is chock-full of D/s, bondage, spanking, graphic language, and anal sex.

Nick and Brick (who are not twins) haven’t even had more than their pecks; the only “bad” word that’s been used in the story is ‘whore’ (and ‘strumpet’, now that I think of it), but they’re the same as Max and Trev’s Fantasy-Fulfillment Story.

I’m sorry, I really, really don’t fucking get it. I mean, maybe I’m stupid or something — that’s always a possibility — but I can’t see it. I just can’t figure out why I’m supposed to essentially put an R rating on something that’s PG at best, at the moment, just because it’s got a couple of guys kissing in. They claim it applies unilaterally to lesbian, bi, and trans content, too; wonder if that’s really true — after all, everyone knows two girls kissing is hawt, not nasty. [/sarcasm]

My brain hurts.

From a publishers Do Not Want! list: Sexual abuse of minors, including exposure to sexual acts. This includes consensual acts by anyone under 18.

I’m sorry, how is it that “consensual” and “abuse” end up being synonyms? Could someone PLEASE explain that to me, in words of one syllable or less? Because I’m pretty sure that that’s the only way I’ll EVER understand it.

Two seventeen-years-and-three-hundred-sixty-four-days-old people getting it on, because they’re horny and in love = abuse. Yeah, no, still not working for me.

An adult and a 12-year-old? That’s wrong. An 18-year-old and a 17-year-old? Depends on the circumstances. I don’t think it automatically constitutes abuse; and if they’re both saying YES then I’m even more lost as to how it can be abuse. (Especially if it’s all the 17-year-old’s idea.)

This sort of thing is exactly why I’d make a horrible juror — I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from asking questions of/arguing with the lawyers.